The Mompetition

Big Annoucement and Goodbye

2011-10-19T13:10:00.001-07:00

Dislike

2011-07-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

Does the world really need to know our thoughts at all times?

Before I was a mom

2011-07-01T06:45:00.000-07:00

I'd be the mom rushing to tell her "no that's yucky!" instead of snapping a picture

Chlorine kills all nasties.

Before I was a mom

2011-06-24T07:10:00.000-07:00

...the bottom of my bag never looked like this!

--Thanks for hanging in there with me folks, this blog slow down WILL pick back up!

Before I was a mom

2011-06-12T20:10:00.000-07:00

I'd never put my child on a leash! That's obviously for mothers who can not control their children.

-- Sent in by DR

Exactly. Exhibit A&B, my children @ 18 mos trying their damndest to fall into the river below. One mama, two babies is always an interesting ratio.

Flash Back Friday

2011-06-10T09:12:00.000-07:00

Life Pre-Mompetition

Before I was a mom

2011-06-06T21:36:00.000-07:00

My cat would still be my number one child.

-- Sent in by EB

As a mama who was completely in love with her cat-child, who throughout my pregnancy stroked her lovingly and assured her she was still my baby; I was shocked at how quickly my hands grabbed and threw my kitty aside. Her sharp claws and litter box feet were way too close to my 4 day old babies.

Before I was a mom

2011-06-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't dare give my child a sucker while in the car. Let alone let them fall asleep with it!

-- Sent in by MC

Heimlich maneuver: noun - an emergency technique used to eject an object, such as food, from the trachea of a choking person. The technique employs a firm upward thrust just below the rib cage to force air from the lungs.

Before I was a mom

2011-05-31T14:10:00.000-07:00

I'd use the safety straps on those bouncers during naptime.

-- Sent in by ES

Looks like someone knows how to get comfortable!

Before I was a mom

2011-05-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

The worst thing I could accidentally wash was a kleenex

-- VSH

Thank you overnight pull-up mixed in with the jammies I scooped off the floor.

Before I was a mom

2011-05-24T19:55:00.000-07:00

I never would have imagined I'd spend so much time organizing tiny toys.

-- Sent in by ST

From a fellow type A toy organizer, I applaud these efforts.

Before I was a mom

2011-05-23T18:33:00.000-07:00

I'd sit lovingly next to my child and "help" them through their tantrum.

-- Sent in by SW

You know what Dr. Harvey Karp says! ok, me neither because I couldn't stop laughing my way through his happy toddler book...

Before I was a mom

2011-05-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'd never forget the sunblock.

-- Sent in by PW

I hope these are the only cheeks that got rosy.

I try, really I do

2011-05-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

It's hard to make mom friends in crazy-town. A true story.

Out-Grieve Me

2011-05-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

From the co-writer: "Welcome to the awkwardness that occurs when you are a grieving mom and other moms. Also, a look at what occurs between those moms who have both lost, some typically try to "out-grieve" another, either by desperately trying to prove how much more difficult her loss was or not so politely expressing surprise over a chosen method of burial."

** Apparently Blogger majorly crashed yesterday so this post was lost. But, here it is again!

Before I was a mom

2011-05-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Furniture is NOT for climbing.

-- Sent in by SB

Riiight and couches aren't for jumping.

Before I was a mom

2011-05-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

I always swore I'd let my kids take a mental health day
from school if they needed it, and today... I did.

-- Sent in by TW

Good for you mama. Good for you.

Happy Mothers Day

2011-05-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

Happy Mothers Day y'all... no matter how much work you had to put into it yourself, I hope it's grand!

Thanks Jen for the inspiration

So tell me, how did your day go?

Before I was a mom

2011-05-03T07:58:00.000-07:00

This one goes out to N³

I'd never take my baby to a bar

-- Sent in by Tara

...AND NOW, for one of the best BIWAM scenes of ALL time:

Before I was a mom

2011-04-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

I believed only newborns should use pacifiers then swiftly weaned.

--Sent in by BW

My son was also a soothie lover.

I had to finally switch after he chewed his way through five in one week.

Before I was a mom

2011-04-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

I believed infants did not belong on planes.

-- Sent in by SP

Since becoming a mom, do you know how many strange infants I have held on airplanes. At least one per flight, moms need to pee too and I am happy to give them a break. I also shoot "go to hell" glares at anyone who comments/whines about a crying baby.

Before I was a mom

2011-04-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

My son would never play with nail polish

-- Sent in by SR

Did you see this article by Aunt Becky?

Before I was a mom - boogers.

2011-04-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

Boogers would not be wiped on walls

-- Sent in by KM (Submommy)

Booger cheerios would not defy gravity.

-- Sent in by KTFish

bleeeeeeeeeck (shiver), where's my Clorox wipes.

Before I was a mom

2011-04-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

My baby would only sleep in a crib or pack n play

-- Sent in by SD

Just Sayin'

Before I was a mom

2011-04-18T17:46:00.000-07:00

Previous toys would be put away before bringing new toys out to play

-- Sent in by SD

I HAVE THAT! and THAT!

Before I was a mom

2011-04-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

I'd remember to remove the Astroglide before snapping the picture.

-- Sent in by AC

Slide slide slippity slide...

ANNOUNCEMENT: Beth is back.

2011-04-14T12:43:00.001-07:00

Putumayo Kids Acoustic Dreamland CD - Giveaway winner

2011-04-13T07:10:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to RACHEL K!

Please email me at mompetition@gmail.com so I can get the CD sent your way

Number drawn - 4

1. Kendra - sorry :-(

2. Baby Smiling in Back Seat - your baby smiled? mine screamed.

3. Coffeemama - Like your name

4. Rachel K - Winner!

5. themathgirl - OH! so close.

Twinfertile Myrtle

2011-04-12T08:20:00.000-07:00

For all the twinfertiles out there.

Ten Bucks an Hour

2011-04-09T13:24:00.000-07:00

Xtranormal is having another video contest. I thought I'd try my luck again. BUT the great thing is, the winner is NOT based on view counts! The winner will be chosen by a panel of people who view the entries, seems a lot more fair right?

This was hard to do because the video entry had to be under the theme "Decisions" and under the "Horror" genre. Ya...hard. Don't judge me too harshly on this one, I had to fit inside the box!

Before I was a mom

2011-04-08T06:55:00.000-07:00

I'd read my child's cues and put them down for a nap in their safe and comfy bed.

-Sent in by NH

The car would have been funnier named the Booby car...just sayin'

Before I was a mom

2011-04-06T05:42:00.000-07:00

I'd grab a kleenex before grabbing my camera.

-Sent in by ET

Ahhhhh, snot bubbles, little works of art...

CD Giveaway!!

2011-04-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Sarah Geist Rosen from SKG Publicity, I have a cool Giveaway for you all this week. I LOVE this CD. It's by far one of my favorites from Putumayo Kids.

Please see below for your chance to win a copy!

CD review from Bob Etier

Kidtunes: Putumayo Kids Presents Acoustic Dreamland

From Lucy Kaplansky’s soothing interpretation of Mary Chapin Carpenter’s “Dreamland” through Rick Scott’s lovely “Next Time,” Putumayo Kids Presents Acoustic Dreamland is a collection of gentle, loving songs perfect for naptime, bedtime, and any time a calming influence is needed. With kids in the house, that could be any time.

Remember these lyrics? “You’re my blue sky, you’re my sunny day. Lord, you know it makes me high when you turn your love my way. Turn your love my way, yeah.” It’s the Allman Brothers’ hit love song “Blue Sky,” but on Acoustic Dreamland, Elizabeth Mitchell makes it a comforting lullaby about a parent’s love for a child. And “comforting” is a good word to describe each of the eleven tracks on Putumayo Kids Presents Acoustic Dreamland. Can there be anything better than drifting off to sleep feeling loved?

William Fitzsimmons rendition of James Taylor’s “You Can Close Your Eyes” is another familiar love song that translates well to a parent’s love for a child. It is a beautiful interpretation of an old favorite. Shades of James Taylor’s influence can be heard throughout Putumayo Kids Presents Acoustic Dreamland.

Recorded especially for this collection is Frances England’s lovely, lilting “Here with Me,” another parent-child celebration. Other artists on the album are Victor Johnson (“Everything is Going to Be Alright”), Kesang Marstrand (“In the Land of Dreams”), Mark Erelli (Wilco’s “My Darling”), Rosie Thomas (“Tomorrow”), Daniel Martin Moore (“The Hour of Sleep”), and Hem (“My Father’s Waltz”). Putumayo calls it “An exquisite selection of classic and contemporary acoustic songs for bedtime and relaxation,” and it couldn’t be described better.

I have long been a collector of Putumayo Kids music collections, and Putumayo Kids Presents Acoustic Dreamland is an exquisite addition. It will be released February 22, 2011.

Read more: http://technorati.com/entertainment/music/article/kidtunes-putumayo-kids-presents-acoustic-dreamland/#ixzz1IgbceTYd

To win this CD, leave one or more comment for each entry opportunity below.
Each comment is an entry and if you put them all into 1 comment, it still will only count as 1 entry.

For your 1st entry, leave a comment
that states if you FOLLOW this blog

For your 2nd entry, leave a comment
that states if you "LIKE" Mompetition on Facebook.

For your 3rd entry, leave a comment
that tells me if you play an instrument and what it is?

For your 4th entry, leave a comment
that tells me a story!! Something stressful that has happened to you so far this year (2011)

Winner will be selected following the protocol from previous Giveaway contests. Contest Ends Tuesday the 12th at NOON CST!

Before I was a mom

2011-03-31T20:36:00.000-07:00

My baby would not dine on pizza.

-Sent in by BT

Does anyone have a child out there that doesn't LOVE pizza? or does your little one scarf it down without chewing? Please tell me!

Interview with Xtranormal

2011-03-31T20:32:00.000-07:00

Sat down to chat with Bruno from Xtranormal

Read the interview HERE

BUSY WEEK Y'ALL, will be back with fun stuff next week, like a Giveaway (I promise this time!)

Have a great weekend

Held Hostage

2011-03-28T20:41:00.000-07:00

Please, let moms pay and get out the door.

**Inspired by a real life inquisition at New York & Co.

A letter to the Mompetitors

2011-03-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

Wow. Can I just say wow. I hadn't looked at the Today.com show site on Mompetition for a while because, why look at things that make you sad. You guys have shocked and amazed me at how much you care for this blog and well (sniff) me. Let me just say, don't piss the Mompetitors off!

However, I would be remiss if I didn't make all my feelings and intentions clear. When I posted on FB about the TV show and blog article, I said "I felt like a girl standing in the back of the dance saying, um, that's my song." I did and still do. I had people emailing me the link and friends calling me saying, have you seen this! Why aren't they interviewing you! The reason why it struck a nerve is they invited two "experts" on mompetition to find out what all this hoopla was about, and failed to mention me or the blog that I have put so much work into it's production. Why should they speak with me? Little ol' me? Professional principle.

On the Real Housewives of Orange County the mom's were participating in Mompetition that was a thematic snapshot of my original cartoon "Why I can't make mom friends". Anyone who watched the show could easily comment to the almost scripted nature of this conversation. In the recap, the host mentioned the terms mompetition and Mompetitors. While Mompetition is not my original term (sorry if that disappoints anyone! When setting up this blog I did my research. "mompetition" was originally mentioned in the 2006 book Momfidence!: An Oreo Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets of Happier Parenting by Paula Spencer, see "About Mompetition" and "Terms of Use" sections.), however, the term "Mompetitors" sure as hell is my own and my Mompetitors rock.

If you do a Google search of the term "Mompetition" you will pull up page after page after page of my articles, blog, people referencing my blog, blogs pointing to my blog and the like. Therefore, it would not have been hard for Today.com to thematically reference the blog, the cartoons, the articles etc even after mentioning things like spanish and mandarin languages (sound familiar?). Today.com failed to do extend professional courtesy to myself as well as Ms. Spencer.

It takes a lot of time to do this blog, it takes a lot of time to make the videos and so it makes me all gushy and warm inside when I see so many of you standing up to what is professionally called a "courtesy". I have no desire to take legal action, I really don't see anything illegal about what they did, I just see unprofessionalism. I may not have created the noun, but I have worked my tail off to put substance behind it and bring light to a disease ripping through our lives (how's that for dramatic!). The Susan G Komen Foundation did not invent pink, but they sure as hell have given it meaning. However, the sun is shining, spring is upon us and I have a new video in the works. I hope everyone has a great drama free weekend.

Thanks again Mompetitors,
VAL

MOMpetition, ain't that clever?

2011-03-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

Please read above first.

Mompetition©: 8 ideas on winning.
By Valerie Stone Hawthorne PhD (aka Mompetition©)

"Your deadline is Thursday"
"But I have nothing to write about!"
"You better find something and find two experts with great hair."
"<Google Search> ...hell, she won't notice."

Ugh, ideas. Make that someone else's ideas. It strikes all brains now and again -- and some people are worse than others. So when faced with coming up with an original idea sometimes we must take others. Let's face it, kids steal each other's stuff all the time, what better way as moms to support our children's needs than act accordingly. So when you have a fast deadline approaching, it is best to go find someone else's horse and beat it, since we can't beat our children. Speaking of beating, what do you do when you find yourself locked in a conversation where some mom is winning the Mompetition©®™^omgWTF! game? Or worse you find out your child really does suck?

I asked two experts, in fields sort of relevant for this topic, for their advice on how to handle Mompetition©.

Jenny Janer, author of "Hot Damn My Teeth are Shiny," and my cat, designer of "Litterbox Zen Garden," to offer tips on how to win the Mompetition© game.

Jenny Janer says:
1. Check yo self. Ain't no way some ho iz gonna waltz in heres and tells me my baby aint da best. If you think your kidz is betta than mine is, bring it bitch.
2. Watch tha corner. If you notice yo kid ain't all that great, you can change the subject to their skeezy ass man.
3. Hollaback. If she just keeps goin on and on 'bout how shes all perfect and shitz just tell her she need to go mind her own damn business and move along like donkey kong.
4. Chill man. She ain't all that great, you know that ring ain't real, so there ain't nuttin wrong with walkin' away and sittin' down.

My cat says:
1. Meow.
2. Meow.
3. Meow. Mompetition© Meow.
4. Meow.

At times when common sense must prevail, I hope you look back on these tasty tips instead.
Do you have any stories about how Mompetition© has happened to you? What did you do? Share your stories here at Yesterday.com because it's not like there is any other place on the internet that has touched on this subject. Check please.

Before I was a mom

2011-03-25T05:48:00.000-07:00

"This" would never happen

-Sent in by CC

BIWAM, I could never understand it when people had pictures of their kids asleep around the house, I mean, really aren't you supposed to pay attention to your child and their needs ALL the time?

...and then it happened to me, several times. This one gets me because it's like my daughter is saying, "it's ok brother, I'm here to comfort you while you sleep on the floor, mommy's busy."

2011-03-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

My child would always be clean and properly dressed for important photos

-Sent in by SH

It's the snowboarder look for those Winter Olympics, it's ok.

I wouldn't be caught dead driving a MINIVAN. And certainly not one that has a DVD player with wireless headsets to not only tune them out, but to keep us from hearing Elmo or Barney in the process.

-Sent in by SP

Despite my husbands pleas, I. will. never. own. a. minivan.

No freakin' Elmo, ever.

-Sent in by AL

You're telling me not one of those cats attacked creepy life sized Elmo?

My own worst enemy

2011-03-22T09:07:00.000-07:00

Inspired by true events.
***My first attempt at making a video using State software...be nice :)

Before I was a mom

2011-03-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

I would never be that mom who sat at a 5 year old's six-hour cheerleading competition.

-Sent in by SW

I'd be that mom. But I'd also be that mom with a box of wine in my shoulder bag.

Before I was a mom

2011-03-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

I would never let my daughter play with cockroaches.

-Sent in by NH

Anyone have any good roach stories?

Here's one. I know a lady, who weaned her son from the bottle, by placing a giant cockroach inside and giving it to him. In horror he threw the bottle and never touched it again. True. Story. (gag)

Before I was a mom

2011-03-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

I swore a) all meals would be eaten at the table and never in the living room

b) meals would be healthy and balanced

c) hot breakfasts would be served instead of sugary cereals each day

d) I'd never doze off on the couch while my kids watched cartoons

& ate breakfast in front of the TV!

-Sent in by JT http://tatertwins.com

Hey, at least the shoes are organized back there.

Before I was a mom

2011-03-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

My daughter's hair would always be neatly brushed.

-Sent in by SW

My daughter's looks like this every morning.

Do they just rub their heads back and forth all night?!?

Before I was a mom

2011-03-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

I'd never sacrifice my dignity for a toddler chuckle.

-Sent in by SHL

"I'm boxman oooo, now gimme some candy!"

(am I showing my age by using that reference?)

Before I was a mom

2011-03-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

I promised to keep the baby toys and dog toys separated.

-Sent in by theunglamorousmommy

One from my vaults.

BIWAM, I never would have allowed my children to display "Walrus Tusks."

Before I was a mom

2011-03-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

I said I'd supervise all art activities

I think the colors really compliment her bow.

Before I was a mom

2011-03-09T00:01:00.000-08:00

I never would have used a hotel bathtub as a substitute for a pack-n-play

-Sent in by CCS

Bubbles bubbles fly so high, count 1, 2, 3 as they go by.

HEY you guys!!!!

2011-03-08T18:38:00.000-08:00

GUESS who won the Xtranormal Video Contest?!?

I DID!!

With ALL of your support and help. I can't believe, it, I REALLY can't believe it. I had given up but you guys helped me win.

Announcement here

Thank you all SO much. I'm in tears at the amount of support you guys have given me. Like I've said before I am not sponsor supported or make any money from this little hobby so this prize helps me recoup a lot of money I've spent out of my pocket to make this blog.

I promised a huge Giveaway to say thanks. Anyone have any ideas?!?

Before I was a mom

2011-03-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

I never would have used a mouth powered suction contraption to suck snot out of my infants nose.

-Sent in by PottyMouth Mommy

And for those who do not know, the proper way to suction a nose is dropping/spraying in some saline in the target nostril and then gently closing the opposite nostril while sucking the desired one, and the switch/repeat.

Then, administer a few drinks in your own mouth to calm your nerves from your screaming infant who is now passed out (whose "why are you killing me mama!" looks will haunt you all night).

Nosefrida's rock!

Before I was a mom

2011-03-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

My daughter will always dress her best in public.

-Sent in by CM

Soon, Dad will not think it's so cute when his daughter's ass can stop traffic.

Before I was a mom

2011-03-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

I'd never feed my baby fast food french fries!

-Sent in by BT

My favorite is when I order 1 large and 2 small fries, pull up to the window and bask in the judgement as they see my twosome drooling in their car seats shouting, "YAY! FWIES!!!"

my kids' first fast food meal - VSH

Before I was a mom

2011-03-03T00:01:00.000-08:00

I swore I'd never dress my baby up in ridiculous costumes.

-Sent in by AH

Baby does not look happy that you broke your promise.

Why I don't force my kids to do stuff.

2011-03-02T20:11:00.000-08:00

(Please read the article above before continuing - click on it to get the full text)

Why I don't force my kids to do stuff.

Former sleeper Valerie Stone Hawthorne believes in allowing children to roam free on prairies and to pick their nose if it feels good.

By Valerie Stone Hawthorne, Ph.D., aka, Mompetition

I'm not going to stand on my soapbox here. By current medical guidelines and common sense, my kids are qualified to be adults in some countries. In fact, if this were 1920, they would both have jobs by now and support our family with their income. But this is 2011, things have come a long way and it's now time that we stop the madness that is "growing up." It seems that all parents out there are concerned for, wait for it: their child's development. To that, I say hooey and free-range hogwash.

Valerie Stone Hawthorne, Ph.D.
likes to sit in fields with flowers

So why do I not seek help when I'm possibly concerned there might be something developmentally delayed with my child? For the same reason I do not make them treat others with respect or use utensils at the dinner table. Confused yet? You should be, I'm smarter than you. Barring outstanding disease, like progeria or reverse Benjamin Button hypertrophy (RBBH), I see no reason to push children to grow up. I am so smart that I know my kids will eventually do stuff - I see the future and I am patient. Infancy is a state of bliss! Food on demand, sleeping on demand, stealing others toys and passing gas with applause all make up the core foundation of what all parents should desire for their children. I believe in allowing our children the freedom to make all decisions for themselves. Children, like adults (in fact probably better than you), are capable of making all socially acceptable decisions. Why would I be concerned if my kid is behind every other kid I meet, who would be alarmed at that? People not as smart as me I me Valerie Stone Hawthorne, Ph.D.

Although the "delays" my children display can be markers for spoiled bratitis and perpetual infant disorders, I trust my intuition and trust our pediatrician (who tells me exactly what I want to hear, which is why we chose him). Just because I obtained my doctorate in cancer biology would not mean I'd be concerned if my son appeared lethargic and had night sweats. Confused yet? Of course you are. Seeking help only proves my point that you are not as intuitively equipped as I am to raise your children.

We have no daycare, social or kindergarten standards to meet (my kids eat dirt), no one to impress (which is why I keep putting my methods out there) and we have nothing to be ashamed of (except my hair style in the early nineties; whoa!). My kids are fine. You may not think so, but you are wrong. Confused yet? You are still wrong.

Here are some other things I hate to force kids to do, and by kids I mean ALL kids, even yours.

Share. I go bizonkers when I am at the park with my kids. Parents are trying to teach their children stuff, suggesting to them it would be nice to share toys. Here’s my beef: when my kid is done with that toy, he'll throw it on the ground, your kid can then pick it up and play with it, but most likely they won't because my kids toys are sticks and feathers and your kids are too dumb to know their beauty (Being a Ph.D. allows you to write run-on sentences). If your kid is not done with a toy, my kid can go ahead and wait, even if they will throw a hissyfit about it. Hissyfits are adorable and each one should be cherished and memorialized. It’s my job as a parent to sit back and watch them act like the little brats they are. Who needs guidance? Stepping in to intervene and teach my kid the joys of sharing will only lead to further parenting later on. It's important to teach this from infancy. Allowing a child to keep whatever he wants (my nipple) and throw a fit about things he does not get (a 15th nursing session at night) teaches him that we are all on this Earth to serve his needs. Isn't that what childhood is about?!? Confused yet? Ok, I'll dumb it down. Children are the end all be all in a healthy adult lifestyle. Wanting to re-direct their thoughts only serves your own purpose of civility. My husband and I learned this philosophy from an amazing educator called blu-ray edition Planet Earth. You want something, you take it. Not forcing sharing lets children know that they get to decide what they want, such as choosing not to sit at the dinner table with family or exploring the cat box.

Be Polite. In much the same way you hope your children grow up to become clones of yourself, you should also make sure you do not force them to be polite with anyone. Polite is for fancy schmancy society and it's more important that a child's ego does not get bruised because you force a "thank you" when handing him a strip of organic soy jerky. My husband and I practice "please" and "thank you", and we hope that in time, perhaps by middle school our children will copy us exactly without being forced to do so. When I want my husband to help out with the dishes, asking, "Would you please mind terribly getting up off your ass and cleaning up this mess, thank you" we are modeling manners. Politely asking, "Honey, do you mind leaving our family nest bed so that our little darlings can stretch out more, thank you," not only reinforces manners but teaches our children that no adults come before them and their needs. There was one and only one time, I almost made a tragic parenting error. Confused yet? I know, I'm perfect. But, at a birthday party when family members clearly expected a “thank you” for my son's new do-it-yourself flower preserving kit, I almost whispered, “Say thank you!", in his precious perfect ear. Think of the damage I could have done! He would have conformed to a social normality and what's next, making him do thank you cards?

Excel. Just because your child starts to branch out and show interest in things does not mean you should foster that need. Your child's main focus should always be you. Yes, you can teach your 8 or 9 year old to recite alphabets, learn colors, shapes and the Rain Dance of Zuni, but is this really what a child needs?!? Look, I’m not saying it's unnatural to want your kids to learn things, but come on does a 3 year old really need to know basic communication? Our educational system expects our children to know certain things by certain ages in order to build upon knowledge. Confused yet? I'll type slow. Childhood is so precious that we should take our children and place them in a little glass bubble of happiness. Letting children develop on their own time frame is what parenthood is all about. If my son showed an interest in golf or acting, do you think I'd start teaching him a proper hand grip or how to speak? Hells no. Allowing my children to just roam in a ~~yellow~~ corn field obviously should work for you too. I mean, that is why I'm writing this, validation of my choices, hit Like won't you? People at the Solstice Festival are often a little concerned that my son runs about freely, uttering no "excuse me's", while stealing other kids' food. And that's ok, what they don't know is that inside he is a special, gentle and unique creature that is better than your kid. The fact that my kids don't know Elmo from Diego further shows you I do not allow my children to watch television. Confused yet? You're lazy.

I have heard through my homing pigeons that there are people out there that force children to conform to society or start on the path to adulthood. What they don't realize is that they are laying a path for future foundational independence. Teaching a child the skills to function independently from yourself will cause them to grow up and leave you. Confused yet? Your child is a monkey. ~~My insecure thoughts tell me~~ I have heard people say, that providing boundaries, structure and routine will lead to a polite and developing independent 3 year old. Who needs that, let them be polite when they want to and when they finally figure it out for themselves, who cares what others think. You wouldn't give your teenager a curfew would you? Or demand good grades while paying for your child's college?

Yes, I am a bit cerebral about parenting, I have to be - I'm a doctor. Using words like cerebral instead of I think a lot, show you that. Just think, if my parents had supported my interests, taught me things or had expectations you wouldn't be privy to my superior advice. For many reasons, which I won't go into, I believe in child-centered ~~worshipping~~ parenting. Why are we on this earth but to make babies and give up our own lives and thoughts? It doesn’t make me better than you, it just makes it seem that way. Confused yet?

Valerie Stone Hawthorne starred on the internet and currently appears in her bathrobe. She earned a Ph.D. in Cancer Biology and Cell Biology in 2006, and wrote her thesis on chemotherapeutic resistance to breast cancer, which obviously qualifies her to write blogs about parenting your children. Hawthorne is writing out a check to her kids pre-school so she can grocery shop in peace. She has boy/girl twins, aged 2.75 years. She is currently blogging at TheMompetition.com and thanks SPW for turning her on to this.

Before I was a mom

2011-03-02T00:01:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would convert my dining room into a toy-filled baby prison

-Sent in by JB

He and the gorilla seem to sleep in the same position.

Before I was a mom

2011-03-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

I never would have known that:

-Sent in by CM

It's not the outfit you wear, it's how you wear the outfit.

Contest ends tonight at midnight

2011-02-28T09:44:00.000-08:00

Thank you all who have helped spread the word about the video contest. We all know something has been fishy and for that it makes me sad. However, I must say I am overwhelmed at how much everyone pitched in to help. It means a lot.

The winning video looks like it's going to be two bears, dressed in leather, that say nothing more than. "All you need is love".

Yep. That's it. That will be the winner folks.
(going to go drown my sorrows by eating my way through a box of cookies)

My video:
http://www.youtube.com/user/XtranormalContest#p/u/5/iS2ppzdGgR8

Before I was a mom

2011-02-28T00:02:00.000-08:00

I swore I'd never become a slave to the commercialized toy character industry.

-Sent in by SR

I too tried to buy items that were not conjured up by television/movie marketing geniuses.

But when my daughter looks at me with big eyes and says, but I LOVE Dora Macaroni & Cheese (and she's been on an eating strike for 3 days), it finds its way into my basket.

Before I was a mom

2011-02-25T11:53:00.000-08:00

"Once upon a time...before I was a mom...

I thought I would use nap time to dress,

cook, or do house work.

But this picture sums up nap time in this house."

-Sent in by SS

Before I was a mom, I swore that I would only teach my child the proper names of body parts. That changed when my 3 year old son waited until it was dead silent in church, stood on the pew facing the majority of the congregation, took each nipple in between his thumb and forefinger and announced "These are my nipples! Everybody has them! They don't do anything!"

I thank God that I didn't teach him names below the belt at that point.

-Sent in by RH

Have a great weekend everyone!

If you haven't gone here to watch the contest video, please do.

Also, go ahead and "Like" it just in case some type of crazy contest rule comes down to most liked. I'm just grasping at straws at this point!!!

Before I was a mom

2011-02-24T11:23:00.000-08:00

My child was only going to sleep on a firm mattress, no blankets, no pillows & no bumpers.

-Sent in by DannieA

Look pretty comfy to me!

Before I was a mom

2011-02-23T00:01:00.000-08:00

I never would have found it appropriate to chuckle at my little man's affinity for boobies.

-Sent in by EF

Looks like lunch to me!

Before I was a mom

2011-02-22T00:01:00.000-08:00

In a pinch to get home, I never thought I'd have to make a make-shift diaper out of an old t-shirt and masking tape.

-Sent in by CM

Because you know the one time you stick them in a car seat sans diaper, is the one time they are going to flood your back seat.

A plea

2011-02-21T07:36:00.000-08:00

I hate being that annoying person saying "Vote for my baby as cutest baby ever!" so please forgive me for this. I need your help.

For some reason my video has stayed at the same number for 2 days. I don't know what's going on. The other videos are climbing the ladder and I stand still. I'm not worried about the first two videos because they were written by high schoolers and are laced with profanity and dirtiness (a contest violation) but the robot lady is killing me. Using her social media prowess from her chair in London to spread her video (a simple retelling of an old joke).

Please help me? Can you please put my video on your blog or on your Facebook or on your 3 year olds iPOD? Spreading videos is better than spreading herpes.

I feel shameful in reaching out for your help but I want to be Homecoming Queen!

Can you help a mlogger out?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iS2ppzdGgR8

embed code
<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="560" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/iS2ppzdGgR8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

And also, I don't know who it is but as an open statement to my saboteur, stop it. Someone is flagging all the comments on my video as spam and hitting dislike over and over. It only counts once you mean person you.

Before I was a mom

2011-02-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

HAPPY PRESIDENTS DAY!

I never would have subjected my baby to humiliation for the sake of a chuckle

-Sent in by CM

...hooraaaaaay ho aaaaay oh

Before I was a mom

2011-02-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

My son would never veg out in front of the TV with a poptart.

-Sent in by MH

If he had pants, I think his hand would be resting down the front.

Vote for Aunt Becky for A Bloggie

2011-02-18T15:39:00.000-08:00

The Bloggies are almost here!

Aunt Becky at Mommy Wants Vodka

has been nominated for a Bloggie.

Exciting times are these.

Go here: http://2011.bloggi.es/

Scroll down to "Most Humorous Blog" and click the grey circle.

Good Luck Aunt Becky! Voting closes THIS SUNDAY.

I spell GREY with a E...does anyone else?

Before I was a mom

2011-02-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

I swore I would never subject my babies to humiliation for a quick laugh and a funny picture.

-Sent in by BL

Before I had my daughter I always said that when I become a mother, my house will stay spotless, my child will follow every word of Babywise and I will NEVER leave the house without looking like I just walked out of an Ann Taylor catalogue. I was never going to be one of those “frumpy, stay at home moms”.

Then I actually had a baby, who was premature, on a three hour feeding schedule, and who had gas, constipation and reflux! One afternoon I realized we were out of diapers and formula and needed to run up to the local grocery store. I got dressed, got my daughter ready, and headed to Kroger! I took my time in the store, bought the formula and diapers, and went back out to my car. As I was about to pull out of the parking space, I looked in my review mirror. That is when I notice the dried sweet potato in my eye brow!

-Sent in by AC

Did you remember to click HERE!?!
Help get me out of Third place (second loser...sniff)

Before I was a mom

2011-02-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

Ravioli was to be eaten neatly and with a fork

-Sent in by MM

The sauce could give a nice acidic skin peel, people pay big money for that stuff ya know.

Date Night?

2011-02-16T06:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Mompetitior friends! I have entered a YouTube contest with this video.

The rules are whoever has the most number of views by February 28th wins!

So, feel free to watch this, and then watch it again and again, and spread it around if you like it.

I guarantee that if I win this contest, I will give something truly FANTASTIC away for our next Giveaway to say THANK YOU!

Before I was a mom

2011-02-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

I never would have allowed my son to pee in public let alone teach him electric fence safety.

-Sent in by CM

Man, hand that kid a beer and he's ready to join my family.

Before I was a mom

2011-02-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

I had time to fold and put away the clean laundry.

-Sent in by ST

I won't pay for a maid, I won't pay for a chef, but I would gladly pay someone to come to my house twice a week and FOLD MY LAUNDRY.

Before I was a mom

2011-02-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

My hair dryer was for drying my hair.

-Submitted by ET

I burned out two myself before finally purchasing white noise machines.

Before I was a mom

2011-02-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

I said my twins would always sleep in their cribs.

-Sent in by Amy

They left you a little space there in the middle mom.

Before I was a mom

2011-02-12T00:01:00.000-08:00

I said I'd remember to put away the can of diaper cream before their nap.

-Sent in by CL

At least your floor will be nicely polished.

Wall Street Journal

2011-02-11T08:48:00.000-08:00

Mompetition in the Wall Street Journal

Article Here

Before I was a mom

2011-02-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

Well I'd like to think that I didn’t have too many lofty expectations but even so I’ve found parenting humbling in ways I’d never thought possible. My daughter is and has always been rather ‘high maintenance’, ‘high needs’, ‘willful’.... whatever the heck you want to call it. What can i say? Sadly she did not seem to get any of my husband’s easy going genes.

From time to time over the last few years (our daughter is 4), my husband and I have wistfully discussed the mythical “Day Without Crying”. I couldn’t say for sure what I would have said “BIWAM” when that day would come, I’m guessing perhaps 3? But 3 has come and gone and I’m really not sure when that day might come when we encounter such daily tragedies as ‘the last chocolate Turtle got eaten’ or that she has no brown tights to match her skirt. Even though for the last two years and up until yesterday, she hated brown and would only wear pink.

I recently asked one of my favourite colleagues (who has two daughters around the same age as my daughter) when he thought that day might come. He sighed and said “I have no idea, my daughter is 6 now and we’re not even close.” Another colleague noted that apparently there are people who make it a hobby to note entire days where there’s not a *single* cloud in the sky and we’ve kind of come to view the 'Day Without Crying' in this way.

-AH

BIWAM, I thought babies and kids only cried when they were sad or hurt. Oops.

Before I was a mom

2011-02-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

I would never keep my child in a harness because I was too afraid removal would wake them.

-Sent in by AC

It's like a baby parachuted down from heaven.

Before I was a mom

2011-02-09T00:01:00.000-08:00

My child would never have loud plastic toys.

-Sent in by SW

I spy with my little eye a soothie!

Before I was a mom

2011-02-08T10:25:00.000-08:00

I promised that my child would never wear beauty queen makeup.

-Sent in by JL

Well it's not like she's wearing a tiara too. Oh. wait.

Before I was a mom

2011-02-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

I swore I'd never get involved with epic motherhood Facebook battles

(For transcript, see comments)

Whew, glad I wasn't involved in this one!

Before I was a mom

2011-02-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

I would never forget to reposition my infant so that she doesn't develop a flat spot.

-Sent in by JL

Blame the Goldfish.

Before I was a mom

2011-02-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

My son would never find $35 worth of makeup, still be in diapers at 2 1/2, have his binky past 1, posses long curly golden locks and have a toothbrush for a toy.

-Sent in by SN

At least he's sporting a fancy button down shirt for the occasion.

Before I was a mom

2011-02-05T00:01:00.000-08:00

I swore my kids would never use markers.

- Sent in by The Young and The Relentless

If you want to be a smurf, don't hide who you are inside!

Before I was a mom

2011-02-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

I didn't plan on using the TV to cure my 3 month old's colic.
-Sent in by Marshmella

Remember your 5 S's
Swaddle, Side, Shhhhh, Suck and So You Think You Can Dance

Interview from Suite101

2011-02-03T07:38:00.000-08:00

See article here

It was nice chatting with you!

Introducing the new segment! BIWAM!

2011-02-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

Please email me (mompetition@gmail.com) your pictures and stories about all the thing you never thought would happen or that you would do.
Make Beth cringe.

Funny photos of you, your child or a scene,
be creative and make us laugh.

I know you have tons of stories and tons of photos,
so share them with me!

Tastes like lunch.

2011-02-01T20:34:00.000-08:00

Choosey moms choose peanut butters embedded with the seeds of rape.

If you fed your child all natural, unprocessed, organic nut butters, the chances of them consuming the seeds of rape are reduced. Unfortunately, my children enjoyed their rape and honey sandwich today.

Giveaway WINNER

2011-01-31T09:22:00.001-08:00

CONGRATULATIONS to TheHappyNeills, winner of the Jeremy Plays Guitar CD.

Please email me (mompetition@gmail.com) with your name and mailing address.

Thanks for playing everyone!

So how much did she cost?

2011-01-26T11:59:00.000-08:00

Real life tales from "Adoptive Mom".
Identity withheld, you know, in case she wants to ever adopt any more!
Thanks for playing with me!

GIVEAWAY!

2011-01-24T12:13:00.000-08:00

You know, back when I was a perfect mother (you know, before I had children), I swore I'd never purchase children's music because in my mind it was all "Barney-esque" which would induce a suicidal response.

However, I was pleasantly surprised to find that many music artists have found the solution to this problem and make great music that won't cause you to claw your eardrums out with a Lincoln Log.

Jeremy Plays Guitar allows you to listen to kids music without pleading for death.

He even has Captain Kirk from the Roots making a visit!

I can not over-emphasize how important good music is to kids. Chord changes, expanded vocabulary, rhythmic drum patterns and predictive tone changes all lead to increased math understanding and language development.

To support this excellent New Yorker, we're having a GIVEAWAY of his CD "Use Your Words".

To enter, You have three opportunities:

1. Follow this blog (if already a subscriber, let me know)

2. Like this blog on Facebook (if you already "Like", let me know)

3. Tell me a story. I don't care what it is. I like reading stories. About work, your kids, your childhood, most embarrassing moment, your birth story, your crazy neighbor...Just tell.

PLEASE MAKE EACH ENTRY A SEPARATE COMMENT OR IT WON'T BE COUNTED!

Contest deadline is Monday, January 31st at 8am CST.

Winner will be drawn next week on Monday morning at 9am by my lovely daughter.

Rules for the drawing are the same as outlined in past drawings below.

GOOD LUCK!

Girl Scout Moms, Be Quiet!

2011-01-23T20:23:00.000-08:00

Girl Scout Moms, Be Quiet!
-Valerie Stone Hawthorne PhD

Probably since the beginning of time, it is the role of the current generation to disdainfully shake their heads at the younger generation and sense the imminent doom of the human race. This past week I have joined my predecessors and their prediction for our apocalypse. It’s Girl Scout Cookie season, the time of year when I make random trips to the local grocery store just so I have an excuse to get my fix from my favorite sash-clad dealers. Before children (BC) I would walk up, get my cookies, and either stuff them in my mouth during the car ride home or wait until I got home to brew a cup of coffee and dunk away. After children (OMGWTF) I have felt the need to engage myself more with the cookie pushers. Tragically this past week, I have been met with a startling sense that, yes, our future is doomed. Please allow me to share my two examples with you.

First, I eagerly walked up to the young girl who was stationed behind the poster-covered table. Back in my day a box was only one dollar and fifty cents and each cookie had normally abnormal names like Trefoils, Tangalongs and Do-si-does, but I digress. I asked the Brownie Scout if I could please have a box of Thin Mints, ie crack covered in chocolate. She rolled her eyes over to her mother who said, “That will be three dollars and fifty cents!” as she handed me the flimsy green box. Annoyed at her mother’s involvement in our transaction, I looked back at the young Brownie scout and asked, “I have a ten dollar bill, how much change do I get back?” The mom spit out, “six-fifty!” “I was asking her,” I replied. The Brownie removed her iPod headphones and politely said, “Huh?” I repeated, “Change, how much change do I get from a ten dollar bill when buying this one box of cookies?” The girl looked at her mom. I held my hand up, twitched my head to the right with a slight jerk and returned my glare back to Miss Brownie. She immediately sensed she was in the midst of having a thought and her pain was apparent. She uttered, “Um, I don’t know. Mom, I need a calculator, hand me my phone.” Defeated, Mom said, “It’s six-fifty honey.” The little girl then plugged her ear buds deeply into the cavity that is supposed to hold a brain.

Fail number two began when my doorbell rang. For a brief moment I thought, Oh goodie! This little girl will provide me with the sense that our world isn’t going down the brainless toilet! Then, she greeted me with “Do you want some Girl Scout cookies?” Not ‘how are you doing this evening madam’, just “ya want um or not lady.” I glanced up to see a velour-covered woman with a rolling crate hanging out on my sidewalk. To interject, ok, one, I had to peddle my own cookies with no help from adults, and two, I had to haul my boxes around in a metal wagon freezing to death as I went from house to house. I suppose in this day and age most mothers have fallen victim to the your daughter will be raped and murdered if she dare knock on a neighbors door creed. But, let’s not get started on that. Back to my story, “Yes, I will take a box of Thin Mints please.” Again, I began my test, however this time I gave a unmistakable glance to the mother letting her know, this was a test to see if our species will, in fact, live on. “I am going to get one box of cookies, here is a ten dollar bill, how much change do I get back.” Instantly, the girl responded, “I don’t know,” and glanced at her mother. The mom, actually playing along said, “Honey, figure it out, she is giving you a ten and the box of cookies is three dollars and fifty cents. How much change do I need to give her?” The girl stammered, stared at the ground, shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t know.” The mom instantly sensed judgment and pleaded cheerfully, “Honey, just subtract three point five from ten!” The little girl again replied, “I don’t know.” Mom asked unconvincingly, “You know how to subtract right?” The fourth grade girl replied, “Kinda, why?” Mom again said, “Ok, good, ten minus three point five is…oh come on honey, don’t you know? It is…siiiiiiiiiix (eye brows raise and voice ascends) fiiiiiifty (chin lowers and voice descends).” The girl looks at me and says, “six-fifty!” The mom says, “Yes! Right! Good job!” The mom then plunks down six dollars and fifty cents and the pair walked away.

Now, I don’t know about you, but the above anecdotes make me throw my head deeply into my hands and shake my head with fury. What is going on Moms? These little girls have no clue about business manners or simple sense? What is 2026 going to look like when these women start entering the workforce? Will they rely on others to keep pushing them along? Will they constantly shrug and say, “I dunno?” The whole purpose of earning a cookie badge is to teach our young women the basics of our capitalistic entrepreneurial market. As long as ‘Girl Scout Mother’ is handling all matters, our young women have no support system in this educational arena. For the love of all that is holy, let your daughters learn. Let them try, let them fail, and let them handle their own responsibilities. I gladly would have waited hours for that little girl to come up with “six dollars and fifty cents”. But, as so many moms are, her mom was too concerned about making sure her daughter’s little brain didn’t struggle or get it’s feelings hurt. Well I have news for you honey, life hurts, the real world is hard and the sooner you learn to look an adult in the eye and count back change, the sooner you will get your big girl panties.

- If you enjoyed/agreed with this article, spread it around

Let's Play Bloody Mary!

2011-01-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

Several lines from this video are taken from my real life. Guess which ones.

The Dadversaries: Stay at home dad

2011-01-13T11:13:00.000-08:00

Introducing Dadversaries,

brother to Mompetition - tales from the other side.

A special thanks to Arturo & Susan Pinzon for inspiration.

Useful Kid Tricks

2011-01-12T13:32:00.000-08:00

Thanks to - Useful Dog Tricks performed by Jesse: Video here

Moms have cooties.

2011-01-09T12:12:00.001-08:00

Be careful. Our disease spreads.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!

Lies make baby Jesus cry.

2010-12-22T06:49:00.000-08:00

Mompetition doesn't exist?!?

2010-12-15T12:41:00.000-08:00

To all the people out there that email and say that Mompetition doesn't exist and I am merely perpetuating a myth...here ya go.

Taken from Awkward Family Photos

Prop a bottle? You bet I did.

These were my babies.

I think I was probably surfing the internet or bashing my head into a wall when I took this picture.

They are on to me.

2010-12-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

Wanna play?

2010-12-03T19:13:00.000-08:00

Are you funny? Do you have something to say?

Currently searching for 2011 interviewees!

Drop me a note at mompetition@gmail.com

and let me know what you want the world to know!

**just because you email me does not mean we are going to play, especially if you have cooties. Yah...you know who you are...the one who keeps begging me to do a video on you know what. No. [slap back of your hand] No.